Michael "Dogface" Finley Only Thing I Like About Spurs

He played his college ball at the University of Wisconsin, he's got a sweet outside touch, and he's got a face only a mother and lovers of lovably ugly faces could love. He's one of those no fess, no mess players that you're proud to have on your team because he gets the shiz done without coming off as a gigantic salad eater.

I used to kind of like Tony Parker, and he definitely deserved his spot on this year's All-Star team, but I'm over it until maybe he gets traded or something. The Spurs, his gay Frenchness, Eva "Dogface" Longoria, and some questionable plays this series have shaken my approval of him.

It takes a special player to rise above the disgusting cesspool that is the Spurs organization, and as of now, only ol' "Dirty Dog" Finley makes the grade.

Golden Rimmer

Stephen “Action” Jackson, who was Golden State’s second most valuable player in their historic first round upset of #1 seed Dallas, was a combined 4-15 from downtown in Games 4 and 5 vs. the Utah Jazz, in addition to forcing the issue countless times on his way into the lane, no doubt accounting for most of his 9 turnovers. How could a playoff veteran and the Warriors’ first officer under floor general Baron Davis go from being such a cold motherfucker to such a shameful liability?

But hey, a hearty “Congratulations” to the Jazz, the ugliest team in basketball, for crushing the most exciting team in the playoffs in their slimy, toothless mandibles. Does anyone not affiliated with the Church of Latter-day Saints actually like this team? Carlos Boozer may be many things, but he is most assuredly not “brilliant,” and I’m sorry to all you women out there who have a soft spot in your heart for little girls battling cancer, or whatever the fuck it is, but Derek Fisher is just not that cool.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but if the Spurs manage to flop, eye-bug, and boringly claw their way past the Suns in their ongoing quest to destroy professional basketball forever, I’d have no choice but to favor them over Jerry Sloan’s latest crop of mutants. Only God knows I wouldn’t be watching.